peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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