Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize