So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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