are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
