Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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