I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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