Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
