we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
