I wish life had little blips of pornography
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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