she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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