im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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