We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
