I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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