Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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