You work out of a Hotel?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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