I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i think i just naturally attract stoners
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
