I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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