I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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