Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize