i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
