I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
