I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
