Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
