you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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