i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
