I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Two words: nipple clamps
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