she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
