i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
