At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
