I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
