I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize