I think I won the penis lottery.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
