I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
