Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize