I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
