So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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