I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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