You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
