you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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