trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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