I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
