did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
