i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
