so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
