I should be sponsored by Trojan
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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