Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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