Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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