every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
