I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
