if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
