i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Come share oat with me in your robe
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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