my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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