we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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