good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
