yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
