last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
