Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
