Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
