Kiss
Puke
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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